I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
