Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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