But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
