So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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