seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
