I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
