So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
