It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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