I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
