woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
