everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
