I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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