Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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