I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
