I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
BRING THE BAGELS
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
