I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
