Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
