I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
