I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
