I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
This toilet bowl is my home.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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