One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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