Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Soap is not a condiment
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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