Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
