the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
