Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
