got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
