my phone needs a breathalizer
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
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so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
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Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.