He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.