Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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