just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
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How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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