Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Randomize
