im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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