When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
