hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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