I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
