i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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