I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
