Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
