What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
