he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
