I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
