Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
