I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
