why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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