I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
