Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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