so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
