I am puke
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
