I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
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Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
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some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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