guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
