The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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