You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
