for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
