I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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