She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
