last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
