I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
