My brain says no but my pants say off.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
