i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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