I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
