There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
